The new Stay at home Covid mom

(Written April 2020) Today is Day 50 of being a held at hostage, first time stay at mom. Until recently I was a leave the house, go to a workplace mom. I used to refer to that as a “working mom” but I have to say I’m working just as much if not harder than ever before. This isn’t something I signed up. World circumstances now have me raising my 8 and 13 year old full time and I’m losing my mind, failing at least five times a day. Whether its my kid on his zoom calls without his shirt, missing assignments, stairs that haven’t been vacuumed in 3 weeks or frozen pizza two nights in a row because I can’t get off the couch at the end of the day, its all too much. Apparently, I’m supposed to be designing scavenger hunts, color coding organizational charts, bleaching tile grout, and making thank you cards for essential workers, yet basic feeding, school, cleaning, shopping, and laundry is all too much.

I’m actually a disabled stay at home mom. I supposed to be recovering from a debilitating illness that forced me to stop work in January. But Covid had other plans. With no family in the continental US and all planes cut off and all other support limited for Covid lockdown, I am doing the best I can in a sucky situation. This means some days, I’m momming from the couch, some days from the bed and some days not at all.

I never really thought about being a stay at home mom — until recently I’ve always been a working mom. My mom stayed home. When school was done for the day, she helped us with our homework, she played games with us, made us do our chores, took us on hikes, made dinner. She put 150% into being a great stay at home mom. But I grew up wanting something different. I love my children but after a short time on maternity leave I longed to get back to work. I loved coming home to the kids, hearing about their days, reading them stories, playing games with them. But I also truly believe that I was a better mother sharing them with others and having a village raise them. I also loved my job- I love helping others, having a broader global impact and using every part of my brain. I knew if I stayed home, I would regret giving up work and grow frustrated with them.

As I rose through the ranks and worked longer hours, missing more dinners and school performances, I knew the balance was off and I wanted to have more time with them. I started to dream of being able to help at school, be home when the bus dropped them off, or other things I couldn’t manage as a working mom. I started thinking about how to change things to spend more time with the kids. I didn’t want to do it full time — I just wanted some time and balance. That lack of time and balance actually made me sick and right before the pandemic happened, I ended up in the hospital on leave from work. This was supposed to be my rest and recuperation time, my extra time with the children time- building up fun joyful memories with help from extended family and the village.

But instead now I’m home 24/7 with two kids with the internet and social media constantly telling me I’m not doing enough. Its day 50 and none of my 25 years working experience prepared me for this. This is 100% harder than anything I have ever done. I don’t have a minute to focus on anything — there are no breaks, no copier, cafeteria chit chats. I’m running in circles between tech support for zoom calls, help with math problems and English essays, dishes, clogged toilets, laundry, dragging them outside for fresh air, getting them off video games, ordering groceries, mopping floors while trying to complete my therapy assignments of mindfulness, yoga, gratitude, and self-care. My son needs eyes on him at all times otherwise he is setting fire to his pizza and naked on zoom.

I am grateful for my children, my family’s health, that my husband can work and support us. I am grateful that I am not trying to do this and work at the same time. Now all moms are stay at home moms. I have to remind myself that this isn’t your normal stay at home mom routine for anyone. I know moms talk about being isolated but now even the tools and resources people would normally have are gone. It’s a bit different from how my mom did it thirty years ago. But then again, we have some advantages, she didn’t have Netflix, the internet, mobile phones, Amazon deliveries, telehealth, or curbside grocery pickup. But with those things come heightened pressure to do and achieve more and constant comparisons with others. But, as my mom reminds me, the most important thing she had that none of us have now is a real life in person social support system. None of the amazing 21st century technological inventions can make up for isolation — many make the isolation and imposter syndrome worse.

I am desperate for adult company — people keep talking about virtual happy hours, zoom coffee time and how they are almost peopled out by the end of day. I talk to my husband at the end of the day like I’ve been trapped in a bunker for 20 years. I struggle to find purpose in my days and to feel like I accomplished something at the end of the week. I know deep down what I am doing is important and necessary, but it doesn’t feel it. I don’t feel like I’m contributing to society. I guess the payoff comes 20 years from now when I find out if I have raised successful happy healthy human beings but that seems a long time for a performance review.

This time is in many ways special and has given me what I dreamed of, but I’ve also realized that I’m not cut out for it. I’m not sure which is better to wish for — more time and look at your kids with joy and longing or to have all the time in the world and look at your kids with a when will this end face. For years there was an endless divide between the working moms and the stay at home moms — who was right, whose approach is better. Coronavirus solved one thing at least — I guess we are all stay at home working moms now.

-Written over a course of magical days when my brain worked periodically and I had the energy to mom and write.